Shadow of Doubt
by annonymouslyblonde
Summary: Set after Journey's End. During the zeppelin ride home, the Doctor lets what Rose said on the beach get to him. Instead of Rose doubting who the Doctor is, he starts doubting himself. She's convinced of who he is, but can she convince him? Rated for language.


**Author's Notes: Currently, this is a one-shot, but may turn into a two-shot. If I do extend this, it will be more fluff, much lighter. This is my first Doctor Who one shot, but I am hoping to have a multi-chapter fic coming soon. I hope you like it! Lots of love, AnonymouslyBlonde**

Rose dropped heavily into a seat on the zeppelin. Exhaustion like nothing she'd felt before rolled over her. She could probably sleep for a week after this. After rolling her head a few times, her neck made a sickening crack which released a fair amount of pressure off her back. Make that two weeks. She blindly reached out beside her searching for the Doctor's hand, needing to feel him there, but she came up empty. Her eyes flew open desperately searching for him. He was standing in the aisle still, hands pressed deep in his pockets and avidly avoiding eye contact.

"Doctor, what's wrong? Aren't you gonna sit down?" She reached out to grab his hand, but he pulled back just out of her reach. It felt like a knife to the heart, but she tried not to show it. He was going through a lot. She just hated he was shutting her out instead of using her as support.

"Probably shouldn't call me that." His voice wavered a bit. He was hurt and confused which shone through in his voice. "I should start going by John again. You said so yourself, I'm not him."

"Wait again?" She had never heard him mention going by John Smith but decided that could wait until another time. There was a more pressing matter she needed to address. "Nevermind that. I was wrong to say that, and I didn't mean it. I was confused how you could both be the same person. I just forget how alien you are sometimes. I forget that it's possible for you to change faces and still be you. For you to literally split yourself in half. I just forget you're alien sometimes."

He was quiet for a beat, and she was sure he would bolt any moment. It wasn't like he could get very far. But she was pleasantly surprised when he sighed and sank into the seat next to her. "Not exactly as alien as I was before. Another glaring difference between us."

For the first time since the Doctor and Rose started traveling together, an unsettling silence fell between them. Between his gob and their constant banter, there was almost always some sort of chatter filling up the space. Even during the quiet moments they occasionally had after a particularly bad adventure, it was comfortably spent in the galley drinking tea or reading in each other's company. It was never forced. It was never strained. She didn't know how to comfort him, and that scared her a bit.

She slid her hand over his and squeezed it tightly. He didn't intertwine his fingers with hers but he didn't pull away either. She took that as a good sign. "Please talk to me. Just tell me what's goin' through your head. Please?"

He huffed and pulled his hand away from her, resting his face in his hands. "I'm angry," he grunted. She could hear the barely contained rage. He wasn't called The Oncoming Storm for nothing after all. "I'm just so angry. I think I definitely got Donna's temper."

"What are you angry about," she probed. She knew that was dangerous territory but he needed to let it out before he burst. He might burst regardless.

"I'm angry I've been dumped off like some unruly child. I'm angry that I'm stuck." Once he started, the dam broke and words flowed from him without even running through his brain first. "Stuck in a universe I don't know. Stuck with a body that feels all wrong. I've got one heart and it beats funny. I'm just stuck! I feel like I'm gonna suffocate 'specially if I can't get the TARDIS coral to grow. And honestly, I'm angry that he ran off all self-righteous when he would have done the exact same thing! I became the scapegoat and now I'm stuck in a strange universe with no TARDIS, no screwdriver, not even a scrape of psychic paper! I've got nothing! Honestly, I'm just angry to exist! Seems like my existence just messed everything up for everyone."

"So that's it. You resent being created? Even though you saved us all. None of us would be alive if it weren't for you-"  
"Yeah and look where that got me, Rose," he shouted over her. His anger pulsed through with no filter. "I'm _stuck_! What am I supposed to do here? Get a job? Get a flat? Be... _domestic_."

"So, you're angry you got left her with me, then" she questioned. She feared this would happen. She knew how much being stuck in one place frightened him. "You don't want to be here with me. You think I'm just trying to domesticate you, yeah? You're angry at me for trapping you here?"

"No, Rose, I'm not angry at you. It's not your fault-"

"But it is. You know it is deep down. If it weren't for me, you wouldn't have been distracted and gotten shot. The meta-crisis wouldn't have happened and you'd be wholly yourself. You can't deny that."

She wasn't wrong, but he didn't know how to tell her that he didn't blame her. It wasn't her fault he was stuck here. If anything, her being there made it manageable. He just didn't know how to describe the pulsing anger he felt. Yes, he was angry he just got dumped here, but moreover, he was angry he was forced upon her.

"I'm angry at him for leaving you here." His voice was soft, a whisper. She wasn't sure he even spoke until he continued. "Making you suffer just because I exist. And I hate him for forcing that on you. It's not your job to clean up his messes-"

"That what you think you are? Just some mess he left for me to clean up? Doctor, you're the greatest gift anyone could have ever given to me. You were back at Henrick's when you were all leather and tough act, and you still are now with one heart that beats funny. I didn't have to choose between you or my family. I get to stay with you, knowing my forever can match yours."

"Then why did you run after him?" He snapped back. Donna's temper in him was going to be really inconvenient. "When you heard the TARDIS leaving, why did you run after him?"

Glancing at him, she could see his shoulders rounded in defeat, the anger ebbing away. She slipped her hand into his, just pressing her palm to his. A sigh of relief escaped her when her threaded his fingers through hers, clinging to her.

"I wasn't running after him to go with him. I was running after him because I was hurt that he was leaving without saying goodbye again. I made my choice, Doctor, when I grabbed to lapel and snogged the hell outta ya. A choice you made really easy when you told me what you did."

Quiet fell between them again. The Doctor seemed to be drained now. He leaned heavily against the seat, rubbing his eyes with the hand not clinging to Rose. Her thumb rubbed slow circles on back of his hand.

"You still mean that, yeah? You weren't just finishing that sentence, were ya?" Her voice shook, and she hated that. But she needed to know. She needed the confirmation.

She felt him press his lips to her temple. Her shoulder dropped, releasing a tension she didn't realize she had holding. "Rose, I never stopped meaning it. Do you though? After everything that's happened, all these years, do you still, you know?"

"Love you?" she asked incredulously. How could he doubt that? She turned in her seat to stare at him straight on. "How could I ever not love you? I crossed that damn void to get back to you, multiple times."

"No, not back to me." The anger was gone, replaced with a sorrow that she hated to hear. "Back to him, yeah? I'm not the proper Doctor."

"Damn it, will you stop that, Doctor!" She didn't care that everyone on the zeppelin was staring. She didn't care if she was making a scene in front of her mum or Mickey. Hell, she wouldn't have cared if the damn Shadow Proclamation themselves were watching. At that moment, it was her and the Doctor and her need for him to understand. "Just stop! I didn't mean what I said! I was just confused. Of course, you're the proper Doctor. I'm a stupid ape, remember?"

He grabbed her face roughly. "Rose Tyler, you aren't not some stupid ape. You did the impossible to come back to me. You did what I didn't ever think could be done to find me."

She cracked a bit of a smile at him. "Yeah, to find _you_."

Realizing she only said that to get through the doubt in his mind, he allowed himself to smile with her. "You did that on purpose, didn't you?"

She rested her forehead again his. "Yeah maybe a little. I'm sorry about what I said back on that beach."

"Don't. You're right. I'm not him. Hell he's not even him anymore, not after Canary Wharf."

She took his right hand into hers and placed a kiss on his knuckles. "You're the man who grabbed my hand in Henrick's and told me to run, yeah? The man who stood on a hillside with me enjoying the applegrass? The man who risked his own life to force Cassandra to stop possessing me? The man who never stopped believin' in me even when I gave up on myself? Because that's the man I fell in love with."

He searched her eyes for a long time. He needed her to confirm that he was still himself. That she still believed in him. The only thing he knew for sure was that he needed Rose Tyler, and that was very very Doctor-like. She was his rock, his anchor.

"This is really happening isn't it? I'm really here with you?"

"I certainly hope so," she answered, nuzzling his shoulder.

He wrapped his arm around her, pulling her tightly into his side. She sighed contently and wrapped her own arms around his torso.

"It just feels like a dream," he mumbled into her hair. The scent of vanilla and jasmine wafted over him. The most comforting scent in all the universes to him. "Like I'm gonna wake up and you're not gonna be there."

"Know what you mean." She stopped short with a yawn before continuing on meekly, "Let's just both agree not to wake up from it then, yeah?"

"Looks like that might be difficult for you. You can barely keep your eyes open."

"I'm fine. Not even tired." She yawned as she said this, eyes dropping and she snuggled closer to him.

His lips pressed into her hair. "Sleep, luv. We've still got a ways to go."

"Don't go runnin off, kay?"

He laughed and brushed her hair away from her face. "I think using me as your pillow will prevent that for sure." But she didn't hear him. Years of neglecting sleep in favor of working on the dimension cannon had finally caught up with her. But it was definitely worth it to be able to fall asleep in the comfort of her Doctor's arms.


End file.
